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!!! SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY !!!
(I borrowed that from a used car classified advertisement... it seemed fitting... for reasons I should now explain...)
Given the sheer volume and type of messages I'm getting, perhaps it would save us all some time if I told you what I am NOT looking for...
1. All of you fake agency "Professional Letter Writers" can pack up your copy & paste and take a hike. Go waste someone else's time and play your worthless games with someone else. And just so you know, there is a special place, perched atop a hot poker somewhere in the eighth concentric circle of Dante's Easy-Bake Oven, and it is reserved just for you. Also, just in case you are wondering when you get there, the woman pictured in the profile you are working is a resident of that fourth circle you passed on your way in.
2. In case you did not get the joke in the above section. I have seen enough silicone to last a lifetime. If your chest appears to have the ability to defy the laws of gravity, and/or was selected from a catalog, I am not likely to find it all that attractive. If you made the unfortunate choice of going so far they appear to be ready to explode, then please keep those things as far away from me as possible. I am not a member of the bomb squad.)))
Now, if you have gone through an unfortunate circumstance where reconstructive surgery was required, that I can certainly understand. However, unless that is the case, don't expect me to be impressed by your bra size.
3. I am NOT Donald Trump. He can get away with marrying someone 30 years younger than he is without anyone thinking it's creepy. Because... well... he's Donald Trump.)))
I'm 62 years old. So if you are not at least CLOSE to 45, you are going to have to do some explaining as to why you are writing someone who is 62. And, it better be something beyond the usual "Love knows no age limits" cliche. I've heard that one before.
4. If you are in your late 30s or early to mid 40s, never had children and have suddenly awakened to hear your biological clock ticking, I'm not your guy.
I am not interested at this point in my life of starting another brand new family from the ground up. I have voluntarily removed myself from the gene pool. But I do wish you well in your search.
5. Yes, I am 62, and no, I do not yet require the assistance of modern medicine in the area. And, I am a male of the species, which means I'm just as willing to talk about sex as the next guy. In fact, it is a subject that as two intelligent adults we probably should discuss at some point. However, this does not mean you are likely to score any points if your first letter reads like a random chapter from a porn novel.
I get it, you read (or watched) "50 Shades Of Grey" and would like to show you're not prudish. No problem. I was involved in live concert sound production here in the USA in the 1980s. The raw unadulterated hedonism in that culture of that era makes Sodom and Gomorrah resemble a children's tale. So, don't think you can shock me. Now, can we find a middle ground in there somewhere?
And just in case you are one of those whose interest was just piqued by my reference to that particular famous/infamous book and/or movie, and just to answer that question now rolling around inside your head... No, I have not seen the movie... but yes, I am familiar with the contents of the book. Now, if you would like to know my thoughts on that particular subject... ask me. I might surprise you.)) Then again, I might disappoint you.))) I suppose it all depends on your expectations and perspective. For now, let's just say I have a somewhat unique view on the subject.) (details upon request)))
6. If your profile says you are 50, but every photo in it shows what you were back in your 20s and 30s, I am not likely to be impressed. No matter how good you looked in how little you were wearing back then.
Yes, Yes, I get it. You feel you must compete with women half your age for men 10 years older. It is a problem. Sadly, one that is encouraged and perpetuated by many of the players of my team. Guilty as charged. However, I much prefer someone who is comfortable in their own skin as it is today. Not 20 years ago. So, if there isn't at least one photo that is less than half a decade old you are not doing much for my skepticism.
7. If you have gotten this far and I have actually piqued your interest, you might want to perform the logical and rational act of making the request to see my photos. Who in their right mind would be expressing interest in someone without being able to see who it is they are expressing interest in? That is exactly why I have it arranged that way. Getting letters that tell me how much they love my photos from someone who has never made the request to see them is really quite laughable. That is obviously someone from list item #1. Until you actually see the photos you have no idea. I could weigh 150 kilos and look like Quasimodo for all anyone knows until they see proof otherwise.
8. And finally, if you wish to have a ghost of a chance that I will not hit the delete button when you write, you would be well advised to write something in it that shows you have at least read this. Also, as a helpful piece of advice, it would probably be best if you do that right at the beginning so it shows up in the 50-character message preview. I don't answer form letter copy & paste jobs. Be original. But, above all, just be yourself.
As always, thank you for stopping by, and have a wonderful day.
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